Feminism is Not A Dirty Word

Last week I was in Kroger and saw an older woman struggling to grab an item from one of the higher shelves so I go over and assist her. She thanks me and tells me she’s probably been in the aisle for over 15 minutes and no one offered to help. She says something like – how nice of a young lady I am, my parents must be proud, etc. This is when I should have made my quick exit. She then asks if I’m married and have any kids. Which is another discussion – it’s possible to have kids without being married, but I digress. I tell her no, not at the moment, I’m still very focused on my career. Her response was: “Oh, so you’re one of those feminists.”

Her tone was what got me. She said feminists like it was a dirty word – the way Southerners use Bless your heart as an insult. I didn’t know how to respond to the woman. I wanted to yell and tell her to get her own soup next time, but I didn’t.

I think I just had a very confused look on my face and exited stage left. But you know how you replay scenes in your head and think about all of the brilliant things you should have said — that’s what I did.

A day later a friend of mine, Chasiti, posted her reaction to an article:I Am Not A Feminist, And That Is Okay on Facebook. I urge you to go read the article because you may have a different perspective about it. My understanding of the article is that the author feels like the current wave of feminism doesn’t support women having “traditional” values such as staying at home, caring for their children, and enjoying cooking. The author talks about how she views women as equal to men, yet doesn’t think women should hold the same level of leadership or the responsibility for providing for their families. In fact, she questions why a woman would want that responsibility. In my opinion, the article incorrectly defines feminism and carried a tone of misogyny.

I’ve never viewed feminism that way and maybe I don’t know enough about the history of the movement. Women’s Studies majors download your knowledge – I want to learn. Reading the article made me think about why the woman in Kroger said the word with such disdain. She was carrying around her own definition of what feminism stood for. In her mind, I was probably a man-hating woman who disliked her for staying at home, raising her kids and cooking her husband dinner. Here’s the definition of

Here is part of Chasiti’s response:

I’m a feminist because I simply believe women are equal to men. I’m a feminist because I believe that if a woman wants to not work and stay home with her children, she should be able to do they without ridicule. I’m a feminist because I believe a woman can go out and work everyday while her children go to daycare, without ridicule. Feminism is not a dirty word.

What’s your personal definition of ‘feminism’?

I posed this question on Facebook and got the following responses, obviously with the exception of the Sophia Bush video. Although we’ve been best friends in my head since the first season of One Tree Hill, for some reason we’re not actually Facebook friends.

Ace: The snippet of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s speech in Bow Down. 

We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, ‘You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise you will threaten the man.’ Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support. But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? We raise girls to see each other as competitors – not for jobs or for accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are. Feminist: the person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes. – Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Ebony: Women having the freedom and support to be whoever/whatever they want to be.

Tara: I think definitely holistic feminism has to include intersectionality, as well as how gender roles hurt all people–including men. Women of various races and socioeconomic statuses have different struggles that are often taken over by white wealthy women, and without taking intersectionality seriously, it becomes white feminism instead of holistic feminism… Feminism truly accounts for all people when done well, including men and non-binary people of various sexualities. Rape culture and sexism also hurts all people and society as a whole, creating space to have to look seriously at our structures and institutions.

Ashley: Okay so when I first started taking women’s studies classes, my first course was “feminist theory” the basis of feminism is creating a political and social climate in which limits are not placed on what women can achieve. My definition of feminism is a woman, whether she be straight or LGBT, black or white, a nun or a slut, should be RESPECTED REGARDLESS of life choices. I am for the advancement of my sisters in WHATEVER they choose to pursue in life. I thank God for having a DEGREE in Women’s Studies. It gives me the knowledge to know the difference between feminism and internalized misogyny 🙂 I am a feminist because I believe women are entitled to a life where their every move isn’t questioned. A privilege it seems only men are afforded.

Bonus: If you’re looking for a fantastic Ted Talk I would suggest: Roxanne Gay’s Confession of a Bad Feminist.

I do not have the same stories as the women whose opinions I shared. However, the common theme woven through their responses that I related to the most equated feminism to the freedom of making choices without repercussions. For me feminism is not a dirty word. Feminism is a movement that empowers all people to make choices for themselves without fear of judgement or social and economic consequences. So if I had the opportunity relive the moment in Kroger again I’d say:

Well, yes ma’m. I am a feminist, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want a husband or kids some day. It simply means that everyone should have the same opportunity regardless of their gender and I don’t believe anyone should be forced into a role because of their gender. Feminism is about fighting for choices and supporting the choice another  – even if you wouldn’t make that choice for yourself.

Let’s have a dialogue. What are your thoughts on feminism?  Leave a comment below!